You would think that after so long of doing the same thing, it would become normal, become comfortable. But his body didn’t hold the same comfort as it had before. Feeling him moving above me, lost in his own world had me feeling numb. There was no passion, no romance, nothing. He was out to prove something, and it wasn’t to me.
He let his body slam into me repeatedly, and it wasn’t until I heard myself cry out that he finally stopped. I quickly grabbed the comforter that laid on the floor at the edge of the bed, and I just sat there shaking. He didn’t come to comfort me, no; he grabbed his clothes and quickly got dressed. Not a word was exchanged and I just continued to sit there and wait for him to say something, but it didn’t come.
The silence was worse than the mind numbing actions of hooking up, and I felt so disgusted by this fact that I finally broke down and cried. It wasn’t until then that he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. The action felt forced, like he didn’t know what else to do. We had been playing this game or months, and yet this seemed like how it was going to continue on if matters didn’t get solved.
We were supposed to be more than this… more than just a hook up, more than emotionless physical needs, more than an empty conversation. We started with such a connection, with such a passion, something so real, it was almost scary. Now… now it’s just so empty and it hurts knowing that I keep holding onto something that seems to have faded out before I could save it.
In those moments where I just sat there and he held me, I wished with all my heart that things could go back to where they used to be, back before all of these negative thoughts and events started to flood into our little piece of paradise. I could feel the burn of the tears run down my cheeks at the same moment I felt his arms tighten around me ever so slightly.
In that moment, I couldn’t make him into the bad person. It wasn’t totally his fault that things were going so far down. Sure he played a big part of it, but it didn’t help that I felt like talking about it would only make it worse. He wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me, no, but he was just as lost as I was in this moment.
This merry go round was getting us nowhere. I had been hoping that this time together would bring us back together, but it seemed like we were just going through the motions. We were bored, so we would get together, hook up, get dressed and he would take me home. We told everyone we were in love, that we had plans for the future, but at this point I’m not even sure that’s true. It felt like we were trying to prove that we still had something, or maybe it was just me trying to hold onto the last strands of whatever it was we had once had.
Everything was changing around me, and I knew I wasn’t ready for it. Graduation was coming up faster and faster, and I wasn’t ready for the thought of having to get a real job, a car, a place to live… none of it felt real to me anymore. What made it worse was the fact that my rock… the one person I was relying on to help support me and keep my head in the right places was pushing me away every chance he had, or at least that’s how it seemed from my point of view.
Nothing was taking place like it should be, not like we had planned. Nothing I had planned was moving, my life wasn’t falling into place like I had always thought it would. I had worked hard, I put in my time, I had my fair share of struggles; this was when I was supposed to be reaping the rewards of it all, and instead it just felt like I was running into a brick wall.
At this point, I would do anything to just let this feeling of impending doom go… No matter what I did, who I was with, it felt like I couldn’t shake it. It may seem dramatic, like another cliché, but it’s something that I have to deal with on a regular basis. And it doesn’t help to put a smile on my face and make believe that the world is perfect. We all know it’s not, and yet we all want to prove that we are on top of it all.
I can’t help but wonder if everyone around me is putting on the same smile. Does everyone have it as put together as it would seem? Maybe, on the inside, everyone is freaking out just as much as I am. Nobody has it perfect, right? It’s thoughts like these that help put even the smallest of smiles back onto my face; it’s enough for me to turn my face up and help me face another day.
To Be Continued
I hope you all enjoyed this short piece! This is another small piece belonging to a whole story I’m working on, so please feel free to leave some comments and of course some constructive criticism! I’d love to hear some of the things you all like and what you all think may need to be changed!