How many goodbyes can fit in a lifetime?
How many good lies can make it seem alright?
What do you see when you look into my eyes?
Or in the sky right before you say goodnight?
~”Rain” by Hollywood Undead
The rain has always brought me peace. It has always been the one constant, the one thing that never changed. Turning my face up to the sky, the cold drops brought a sense of comfort over me, finally, something that made sense.
After everything, the fighting, the screaming…. The feel of the cool rain was the one thing that could finally help quiet my thoughts down. He didn’t understand what had me so upset, and I wasn’t even sure how to explain myself at this point. I kept telling him that I needed that extra comfort; I needed him to just ask…
“Would you just listen?” I cried out in exhaustion. This was the same argument we had been having for a while now, and we were both getting frustrated. He just sat there and started at me with an emotionless face. He was never one for actually talking through things with me… and sometimes that was just what I needed. I didn’t always like having to explain myself, though this wasn’t one of those times.
As the silence between us stretched out, I could tell he was ready to let the issue drop, and it made my own heart drop. The one promise he kept making to me was that he would talk, that he would be there for me when I needed him the most. I hadn’t lapsed into my anxiety in a while, but now that I was stuck in my own head, he just stayed silent. “****… You don’t even ask me anything anymore…” I said quietly, trying to look him in the eye, though he was making it rather difficult.
“What’s wrong ****?” There it was; the simple question that I had wanted him to ask me this entire time. But the fact that he finally asked brought me no comfort, in fact it only brought a tear to my eye.
“I shouldn’t have to ask you to ask….” was my only reply. He wouldn’t like that answer, but it was the truth. He knew me well enough to know when I was stuck in my own head; he knew when there was a change in my voice and or actions, and yet I always had to prompt him to ask me about it. It wasn’t fair in my mind to have to drag the simplest questions out of him…
“Sorry…” was the frustrated answer I got from him as he got up and walked into the other room. I just sat there for a few moments, wanting nothing more than to just simply fade away. Be anywhere but here. I didn’t want to have to explain myself anymore because I felt like I had been repeating myself over and over again and it wasn’t getting me anywhere. So without saying another word, I made my way out.
The cool drops started to drag the tears from my eyes as my thoughts started flooding into my mind. I didn’t want them too, but they seemed to have a mind of their own. This whole situation may seem silly to someone from the outside, but I felt like my last bits of reality, of my happy place were slipping away.
I wish I could have placed a finger on exactly where things could have gone wrong, but I couldn’t. All I knew was that I couldn’t find that connection I had thought was there between **** and me… and it broke my heart.
I always thought that he could look into my eyes and tell what was wrong, like we had that sort of connection that you always saw in the movies, but now it seemed like that was just another joke, another falsehood that I had implanted within my mind’s eye.
I had to start walking, otherwise I knew I was going to fall apart right on the spot; so that’s what I did, just took off in a random direction. How many times was he expecting me to believe the stupid things he always promised me? Simple things like ‘I’ll be around’ or even the ‘I’ll be there in any way I can.’ These were always just things people said, but he always made them seem like something more… seem like the truth. So why was it that it always got to me when he didn’t follow through?
It’s not like I was used to people keeping their promises… so following through on stupid things like those shouldn’t be such a big deal… but with him it seemed different. I felt inclined to believe him… to hang my heart on every word he said. So when he couldn’t even ask me simple questions like what was wrong… it felt like some major betrayal. Wasn’t it human nature to feel compassionate enough to ask what was bothering someone else?
These were the only thoughts that kept running through my mind as I kept wandering out in the cold, wet weather. I wanted to be done thinking, to be done over analyzing everything. So finally I stopped, and let my legs collapse underneath me. The wet ground didn’t faze me one bit, it actually felt nice.
There is only so many things that one person can take until they reach their breaking point, and sitting on the wet ground with the rain falling around me, I reached mine. I didn’t have to worry about people watching, because there wasn’t a soul around, so no one could possibly question my actions. The sound of the rain as it beat on the ground around me was the only thing I could hear, and it was more soothing, almost encouraging as it relaxed me enough to just let up all my pent up frustration and emotions out. It didn’t matter that I was feeling weak and vulnerable because everything was the same out here; everything was being renewed by the rain, being provided what was necessary to just start over fresh and new. The rain was creating a blank slate for everything, including me.
So what did you guys think? This was my first actual scene I’ve written in a few years, so I know I’m really rusty! Please leave comments on what you liked, didn’t like and all that fun stuff!
Note: **** when used in dialog/story refers to character names that I don’t include in my post